Sometimes, when we’re skimming the morning paper in between intermittently pretending to work, we come across a paragraph that’s so blatantly ridiculous on so many levels that it’s nearly impossible for us to keep on reading without accidentally spilling piping hot coffee all over ourselves.

Such was the case with this O.J. Simpson anecdote, which tells the story of an easily manipulated maybe-murderer, drowing his sorrows with copious amounts of booze.

O.J. Simpson has been hitting the bottle since he was tricked into semi-confessing to double-murder last year with his “If I Did It” book project. Simpson was at The Ivy in Aventura, Fla., the other night “falling all over himself and couldn’t stand up, even though he tried several times,” said our disgusted spy. “He started screaming for everyone in the restaurant to go with him to Mansion [in Miami]. I don’t think anyone took him up on it.”

Afterwards we were almost rendered speechless…almost.

Instead, however, we cleaned ourselves off from that unfortunate coffee incident and came up with the following three counterpoints. Because that’s what freedom of speech is all about.

Counterpoint #1: Judith Regan waving a fistful of hundred dollar bills in your face and saying, “C’mon, everyone already knows you did it” does not constitute being “tricked.”

Counterpoint #2:Who knew landing your name on the pages of Page Six was as easy as committing (and then semi-confessing to) a brutal double-murder??

Counterpoint #3: Has anyone even paused to consider the possibility that maybe, just maybe, the Juice wasn’t drinking away the pain so much as trying to follow in the illustrious footsteps of binge drinker-turned-Mediabistro mogul, Laurel Touby?

We’d like to thank the First Amendment for making this possible, as well as Dunkin’ Donuts, without which we would never have acquired the delicious hazelnut beverage that is currently adorning the crotch of our brand new Rock & Republic jeans.

Original post by Perez Hilton and software by Elliott Back